What is a good listener?

As someone that has spent a better part of 2 decades learning and experiencing difficult mental obstacles, I was able to observe quickly what I think a good listener is, by not getting what support I needed. I have also observed what works like magic!

Have you ever gone to someone to share you thoughts and feelings and have it end up in an argument? I always thought that was messed up. Why was this happening? All I needed was love and support in the form of someone that would listen. Not only did I not get listened to, but it heightened and triggered more of what I was already experiencing.

When I go to someone to share personal thoughts and feelings, what they say next is going to have the biggest impact on my relationship with this person. Will I feel safe with them.

Keep in mind, this goes both ways.

Here are a few strategies that I think a good listener does:

• Validate. It’s often confused what validating means. I’ve observed that people think that validating means that you have to agree with them. NO!!! Validating does not mean that you have to agree with them . Validating means that you are putting yourself in their position and feeling what they are feeling, and seeing things from their perspective. I cannot over emphasize the importance of this. Example: “I feel so stressed that I have to be to work and then hurry home and make dinner to get the kids to their activities.” Validating response: It sounds like you have a lot going on, I can see how you would be stressed.”

• Just listen. If someone comes and pours out their hearts, there really is not much that you need to do but show with your body language that you are listening. (Did you know that 80% of the way we communicate is through your body language?)

• Offer help. After they come to you with what they want to share, you can ask if they would like advice or your opinion. Example: “I feel so stressed that I have to be to work and then hurry home and make dinner to get the kids to their activities.” Validating response: It sounds like you have a lot going on, I can see how you would be stressed, what would you like help with?”

• Love. You may not agree with or understand all the emotions or even agree with what happened, but if you can keep your judgments to yourself, that alone will further trust and a strong relationship and they will most likely come back to you.

• Encouragement. Again you may not agree with them, but if there is any belittling, sarcasm, shame, guilt, or passive aggressive communication… the argument and shutting down will start immediately following!

The last thing that I will mention is, I understand from the listeners perspective that there is only so much you can do. It can be very exhausting to be of support and the person you are helping is still hopeless. Do not put that responsibility on you, you have done all you can do. Be there, but please take care of yourself.

As the person that needs support, this can also be a very hopeless situation when you don’t feel heard, when you just need a hand to get you out from drowning. When you need help. You can request that you just need to share feelings, or that you need to be understood. Whatever triggered you negatively to go into this position, there is always a trigger out of it, but to get out you need a positive trigger. (What could this be for you?)

Remember, even at the the darkest times, there is hope. There are answers. Even though it really really doesn’t feel like it. Reach out if you need help with this step. (Or see previous posts.)

Hopefully this helps you help your friends and family. And maybe it will just help you.

Words matter!

You are not alone!

J❤️