HOw childhood conditioning shaped me

I don’t think I’m confused about my path.

I think I was conditioned to believe my worth depends on what I produce.

There’s a difference.

For years, I thought the restlessness meant I hadn’t found the right job, the right mission, or the right path.

But what if, all this restlessness isn’t from the question of “which direction I should go?”

What if the problem is the BELIEF underneath it?

It wouldn’t be because someone intentionally taught me this belief.

But because a child tried to make sense of their world.

Children don’t think in nuance- they don’t see the gray areas. They think in meaning. And that meaning becomes identity.

If I came home from school as a child or teenager and no one noticed whether I had a good day or a bad day, I didn’t think,“They’re busy.”

I thought,“I don’t matter.”

If siblings fought constantly and harsh words were normal, I didn’t think,“They’re immature.”

I thought,“This is what love and relationships feels like. Loud. Critical. Unsteady.”

If the only time I received praise was when I did a job well, I didn’t think,“They value responsibility.”

I thought,“I am loved when I perform.”

If I was sitting and got yelled at, I didn’t think,“They’re overwhelmed.”

I thought,“Resting is wrong. I must always be doing.”

If I didn’t know something and then got shamed for it, I thought,“It’s dangerous not to know.”

And if I learned early that people’s feelings could be unpredictable or harsh,I learned to put up walls.

Walls to protect myself. Walls to survive. Those walls kept me safe. But they also shaped how I love, how I give, and how I show up.

So I learned fast.

I became the girl who studies the system. (I learned to thrive on systems) The girl who over prepares.The girl who avoids mistakes at all costs.

System = safety.

Mastery = protection.

Excellence = belonging.

And I got very good at it.

But here’s what happens when that little girl grows up:

Now I feel anxious when I don’t understand the rules.

Guilty and even shame myself, or afraid of feeling shame, if I make ANY sort of mistake.

Now I over-function in relationships.

Now I apologize for taking time for myself.

I work hard in the roles I am assigned to, or given, and will perform excellently, but feel unfulfilled and will often get triggered.

Because somewhere deep down, I learned:

If I slow down, I lose value.

If I don’t know, I get shamed.

If I’m not useful, I’m invisible.

If there’s conflict, I must fix it.

And this conditioning shows up in relationships too.

Conflict felt unsafe as a child, so as an adult I scan, anticipate, and over-function to keep peace.I perform emotionally the same way I performed at school or work: helpful, capable, low-maintenance, easy to love.

But loving from fear feels different than loving from security. And it leaves you exhausted.

The chaos isn’t that I don’t know my purpose.

The chaos is that part of me is tired of proving.

Tired of earning.

Tired of bracing.

Tired of staying ahead of the next mistake.

Little-me made meaning out of everything. She wasn’t dramatic. she was adaptive.

Those early lessons shaped me into someone capable, disciplined, resilient, and deeply aware of others.

These strengths are real, and I am proud of them.

But here’s the shift: my worth is not tied to performance, productivity, or how well I manage life and relationships.

I am enough simply because I exist.

I can use my strengths freely, without the weight of proving myself.I can rest, pause, and enjoy life — knowing that I am valuable just as I am.

And you — reading this — may realize you’ve carried conditioning too.

Maybe you’ve built walls, performed to earn love, or worked tirelessly to prove your value.

You are not broken. You are not too much. You are not behind.

Your worth is already whole. Right now. Simply because you exist.

And maybe, just like me, your only real job at this moment is to finish the stack of books on your nightstand without apologizing for it.