My sunshine

The sun behind the clouds

I got married when I was 19. I had a crush on this kid since I was 11 years old. But I never thought that I’d ever have a chance with him. He was 3 years older than I was and we seemed so different. But he asked me to marry him and I said, “yes!” 4 months after we got married I was due with my first child! And little did I know she was coming at the right time. God new I needed her.

I didn’t think that marriage was going to be so hard so quickly. But within the first week, it never was not hard!

It seems like it was the typical things that were hard. Expectations and judgement from in-laws, discovering childhood traumas, and finding out how desperately all or any communication skills needed to be applied. We both brought in very different habits as well. This was the beginning of some very depressing and very stressful years.

What I didn’t know was that when you have a TBI, stress is the main trigger. When this is triggered you are immediately angry and it’s almost compulsive and uncontrollable. I was triggered often. The more kids I had the more often I was triggered on a daily basis. I felt out of control and that was very scary to me.

I started looking up things on google about what was wrong with me. I found things like: you are depressed, you are chronically stressed, how you can be happy, how to avoid being suicidal, how to be happy in marriage, mental health tips and etc….

This was the beginning of many hours and many days and years studying mental health, personality disorders, tips for a happy marriage, parenting skills, fitness, nutrition, and staying close to God! The 17 years of the study of these subjects all lead to personal growth, understanding of the human mind and the discovery of my TBI.

These years were grueling, unbearable and very unhappy. I had happy, beautiful things all around me, and I never stopped living… but I was not happy inside my soul.

I went to multiple specialists where none of them had answers. This lead me to take things to a holistic point of view, which eventually also lead me to the answers I needed to heal.

Among all the stress and the depression and the sadness, I had one thing that kept me getting out of bed everyday and I can’t imagine where I would be with out her. God new I needed her!

She is my first baby. She was born with lots of beautiful curly red/orange hair. She was content, and happy, and playful and smart and simply perfect. She was truly an easy baby. She was my whole entire world.

I needed someone to help me see the simple things in life. I needed someone to laugh with and teach and play with. I needed something to take care of. I needed someone to need me and love me.

She is now 16 years old and is strong, and stubborn and independent and is my no no-nonsense girl. She is funny and smart and athletic. I love her more than life!

You must have some ray of sunshine in your life no matter how small the ray!

If you are struggling with a TBI or any type of mental trap, who is helping you through this difficult time? Do they know they are a bright light in your life?

Don’t give up. The answers are out there!