The subconscious surrender

I really wanted to move.

Quite honestly, I never wanted to move to this town. The first time I drove up here to go house hunting, I was depressed at the sight. It didn’t help that it was in the middle of winter and everything was dead.

We moved into a small circular neighborhood off a busy highway. That alone made me feel trapped. I had 2 small girls and was expecting my 3rd and I had the only small children among the houses. I lived by a neighbor that watched my every move, there were only 2 stop lights in the town, the town hall was a run down trailer house and the library was not any better. I just didn’t like the vibe. It seemed like a depressed, unkept town.

It seems I have never forgotten my first impression.

I was culture shocked.

Over time, I found some great friends and found my favorite spots in nature and became involved in the community that ended up building a new library and beautifying other parts of town.

However, there seemed to be an underlying unpeaceful, or unsettled feeling that has always stayed with me.

It was obvious that I talked about this with my friends because when I put the house up for sale they’d say, “I’m happy for you, you have wanted this for a long time.” I didn’t realize I was so open about it. It seemed to be steaming out of me and clearly was a major point of discomfort for me.

Selling the house and moving didn’t work out. We had to have the cash from the house to buy another house and offer after offer were low ball offers. The conclusion was that we needed to update the house to get a higher offer. It wasn’t time.

I see that now.

I needed this experience. With 12.5 years of wanting to move and feeling unsettled, I needed to go through the process of what it took to move and giving it my 100% and then getting told “no!”

How else would I have known?

I honestly believe I would never have gotten the peace I needed unless I went through the process.  People can tell me that it’s a great place up here, that there’s no other place like it and that I am making a mistake.

I needed my own experience.

As for most things, I have to go through experiences on my own to find out for myself. This experience was no exception.

As for feeling peace about staying. I feel like it happened AFTER I stepped away and surrendered to let God take over to trust the process. I think surrendering happened after I went through enough pain. The pain had to be my personal max amount. So then I gave it up. I surrendered. I was willing to do what ever I needed to do. This process seemed to be subconscious. It just happened. I think because of life, that’s how it happens. We can’t take it anymore and surrender. There’s almost no other option.

Here are 4 things I learned from this experience:

1.I push and push and control and control and I want it my way and I don’t want to listen to anyone. But life really doesn’t work out that way. If it’s meant to…things will fall into place. And it did. Against what I originally wanted. But none the less.. what was needed. It’s important for me to see that my prayers WERE answered.

2. I was controlling a situation that wasn’t meant to be controlled. I don’t think anything (or anyone) is meant to be controlled. I have to stay out of Gods lane. I think if I lived my life by staying only in my lane….I would be happpppyyyyy!!!!

3. I am viewing this place with new eyes and I am excited about that. I will try new things, be myself, enjoy the new perspective and go for my dreams!

4. I learned that when I have a certain view on a a place, or a certain mindset about life…. Or a person, then that’s how I am going to see it! If I want different because its not serving me, I can change my thoughts about it.

5. What other mind shifts do I need in my life? What relationship or moments or experience do I need to make a shift with?

6. The hard lessons are learned after the experience. There is no other way.

Here to living in an old place with new eyes.

J

Did anything from this experience resonate with YOU?